I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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