I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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