I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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