So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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