go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
