That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
