1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I need to stop coming to work sober
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
