I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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