You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
