I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
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