there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Randomize
