Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
