the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
