At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
