I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
