it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
