just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
