If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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