Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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