my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
