so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
