Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize