NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
