i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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