i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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