god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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