i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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