i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
