i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
