sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
