I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
