after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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