had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
