Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
