the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
