She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
