I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
