How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
