Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
