I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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