I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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