He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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