His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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