THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
