my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
