At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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