cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
