Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
