I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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