she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
