I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
