If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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