He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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