so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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