I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
